"peace"

"christmas time"
Peace and quiet,festive but calm.
What's the spirit?

Peace is what I long for in my heart and in my mind.
I searched for myself and found me, sometimes too stiff, and
at times too crazy so I cry out loud.

If maybe one of these days I'll open my heart....
I hope to find peace.

"security"

evryone wants to feel secured about something or someone.

I find security from simple things since i don't get in from someone.
I find security from my bags,my shirts,my blanket,my friends.myself.

But most of all,I find security from HIM :)

KARMA

Should I call it KARMA?

My last day at the NGO work was December 9.I was so sad and hopeless because
I'm losing a job at this time of the year.

Thursday, 8th of December I got a call from a call center in Makati.I passed the
phone interview. I was scheduled for an exam on December 12.

I prayed hard and said,"Lord if this is where you want me to be, take me there."
The exam was difficult and it was my first time to apply in a call center.
I got the job at 4:15 pm.Happy me!!!!!

a matter of choice

it is just a matter of choice,

be happy or sad, be successful or not etc.
everything is just a matter of choice. I chose
to keep on pouring what's on my mind thru blogging.

Until now I am still here because I chose to keep
living. I dont know when I could start loving again.
What matters to me now is that i live for my kids and
myself. I don't remember having cursed someone because
I believe in karma. A choice not to feel is something
that bothers me.Who knows? This one will kill me, after
having gone thru a lot, that is all that could stop me.

If I can buy happiness I'll save a lot and buy plenty of happiness.
If I can save love, I will.
If I can just close my eyes now and be i paradise, I will.

Everything is a matter of choice......

alone and free

when will i be alone and free?

no way i could tell how soon this can be.

as my fingers type these words, my mind is too busy
finding the right answer.

moving on to the next chapter of my life.finding the right path. crossing the many roads to success.

could it just be that i am day dreaming?

opposites

hungry but full

asleep but awake

happy but sad

old but young

great but duh?

bright but blue

near but far

old but new

one but many

pretty but ugly

when u say it,mean it,do it

when you say it,mean it,do it

when you say it,mean it, do it. It doesnt stop there.
Been there done that the usual line great men say.
Lucky that my memory bank keeps alot of happy and hoppy thoughts.
At times when I feel like I am a total wreck, have to look back
and dig some positive stuff from my memory bank. Somehow,it seems
quite ok for even at least a moment.

Where do I begin to pick up the pieces and fix the puzzle?
Butterflies in my tummy, aaaaaarrrrg........

More often than not,I stop when I feel that my answer would just
bring me great pain,load me more with tons and tons of hurting inside.

In the mean time got to continue holding on to my only hero,
MYSELF.........

too late the hero

too late the hero

Wish I never have to re-do this thing againbut now
I am cause i'm left with no choice.

Questions come flodding my mind,it never stops.
I hope the hero comes just right on time. So I won't die
just like that.

Am I too trusting or too dumb that's why people take advantage
of my kindness?

The answer is.......I am both. Well let's just wait for KARMA.

hate good byes

It's my last working day at the NGO tomorrow.

Hate goodbyes,really.Nothing is permanent anyway, so one must go.
It lessens the pain when one says good bye and promises to cross the same
path again. Whether it be planned or not. It is a small world after all as the
famous song states.

It is a two way thing,hellos and goodbyes. It's time to say good bye,don't know
why (singing it out loud).

So now I could understand this,the trouble with hello is GOOD BYE.

Good bye.......

all screwed up?

maybe it would seem like i'm all screwed up.

well, i'm not :) life is like that, ins and outs, ups and downs so
round and round i go traversing a new path.

just when i thought i've got an angel, i woke up from a deep sleep
and it was just a dream. how petty my needs are i must say, someone to
share some moments with when all i got is me.someone who makes a
difference in my life without being extra special but by just being himself.
somebody find me please....i am a missing miss.

and when i am found, i'm free at last.
free from the pain i keep in my heart.

just visiting

it's been quite a while since i last had my blog updated.

Just visiting eh. nothing much to write about. It is all inside of me and i just
cannot put it into writing. this is one of those days that i have not come in
close contact with myself.

i would love to bring out all what's inside of me thru blogging, but i just cant,
just cant.

so here i am, just visiting...........

If I were a thing,I am an empty box

If I were a thing, I am an empty box.

If I were to choose what to put in me to fill-up emptiness,
maybe I'll load up with lots of chocolates, dark ones!

And when I am no longer empty, I will share some of the chocolates
with the man i love

And when I will almost be empty again, I will choose some roses to fill-up emptiness,
yellow,white,peach and pink.

Then I am no more an empty box, never again!

What are sundays for?

Have you ever asked yourself this?"What are sundays for?"

Hope it is not yet too late for me to find out. First, I sneaked out of my house to find sometime for myself. I seem to not be too happy these days.hu hu hu hu.
waaaaaaah!Depression is eating me to the deepest end of my bones.

Oh well, coming back to where I started, sundays are family days, rest days, malling days, movie dates days(duh?), bonding days if that may seem so. Maybe then, sundays could also be fighting days, arguements everywhere (grrrrr!)I guess my thoughts just stopped coming.I'll be back..........

What do I get out of curiosity?

Yes,what do I get out of curiosity?.

A lot of good and bad things maybe, ha ha.

I can only find out if i try.Like for example, how does it really feel to
let the rain fall down on your cheek.One night, I was on my way home when it rained hard and I do not have my umbrella with me. All soaked up, really wet from head
to toe.The nicest part.I closed my eyes while walking alone under the rain and yes
it never felt that good. It was a wonderful experience.

How will it be if I sing alone at a karaoke bar?

Got a sandwich and a coke to complete my dinner that night. I stopped by at a nearest sing-along bar, tried my luck,sang my heart out.
It made me smile all night long until I got home.


These are just two of some What ifs and how will it bes?

a friend or an acquaintance?

I just had this question on my mind today.

A FRIEND OR AN ACQUAINTANCE?

So how do i differentiate these two?

FRIEND ACQUAINTANCE

kind civil

caring ?

thoughtful ?

always there for you ?

honest ?

knows when to be kidding around ?

etc. etc.


So i really do not need to ask again the difference :)

a friday like no other :)

What can I say?

Today is a friday like no other fridays i had ever had in my life, to date.
What is most amusing is the way I had experience engaging in a "one time good time activity"...

No regrets of finding out what it is like to be free doing what i want at this point and time. I named myself "missing miss" for reasons I cannot explain. Well maybe, there had been things I was not able to try then when I was younger, by the way I am now 32 and I feel that I am still the missing miss i had always been.

So what does it take to feel free? A lot of guts I may say.The will to face the unexplainable, ha ha. Yes, and tons and tons of courage.

Goody goody just want to say I had a great day! Could be smiling in my sleep.:)

hey, hey today is a super duh duh FRIDAY!

today, i left the office early to find some time for myself.
hopped in here at a net cafe, did not ever thought that there are noisy
mad out loud net cafe days hu hu hu.

I usually come here to update my blog. since i'm outnumbered by
big boys enjoying their favorite pc games, luck was a bit near too.
got earphones, a few nice selected music and wahla!I m writing again.
whew!

while i'm waiting for a dear friend to be on line thought i'd better wait in writing.

so what did get out of leaving the office early? huh? nice nice nice or should i say
noise noise noise ha ha ha.right, lovely and crisp ha ha ha.

later tonight, would not know what's next.I'd love to go to a sing-along bar but no one to be with me, so maybe i can just sing in the shower later.

hey, hey today is a super duh duh FRIDAY!

what about a cup of coffee and some chat?

today, i was thinking of how to ask a friend out so i could chat with him.
well, i told him i'll treat him for coffee and he get to chat with me about anything.
maybe he was too busy, something went wrong, this friend just did not show up.

i see nothing wrong with asking a friend to go out sometime, it is just normal and being vocal. well i do feel tired and maybe need a back massage.still havent found the right place.

what about asking him to treat me to snacks or dinner instead.
o ohh. gotta go, really have to put and end to this......


til next post :)

the voice within

there's a voice within
telling me to reach out
asking me to be patient
moving me, directing me to a place
i have never been

there's a voice within
making me smile at my faults
pulling me out of this "drowning glory"
saying all that i ever wanted to be
is all that i am inside of me

there's a voice within
anxiously waiting to be seen......

gotta be me

Yesterday, a dear friend asked me out to be with her and a friend for dinner. It was a fine evening for me I may say. Enjoyed the drinks nad music at CUBA, the band was great and the audience too were all having fun.

I got home a bit late but somehow relaxed. I hope to be going out alone sometime but I fear that people might have mistaken me for beeing a hooker. It's a duh? I would not want to be named like that.

Anyway, maybe one time I'll try to go out alone and meet nice people.Gotta be me......

i'm exhausted...........

today, i was able to clean up my desk (a bit) thank heavens!

oh yes, i have a bad cold i'm exhausted and i'm dead tired..........
i found time reading afew blogs of other great men and women here, it is such a
perfect journey into other's lives, the simplest and cheapest way i know.

I felt that somehow, i was a part of their lives.

have to go now....will try squeezing my brains for a blog again.....

where is this ending

today, I'm in one of those balancing acts of my life, here at a net cafe trying to loosen up.

what have i got to do to make things okay, at least appear okay.
I never have readied myself for such great ordeal. never imagined living
this way,sad, devastated holding on to myself until i win the game.

never did imagined how it was not to cry my heart out, spill out or just plainly say.........................aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg......
i want enough of this, it's killing me and still i can breathe. alive but dead how can that be?

all these, a life for someone who just wants to be happy............
just that, be happy and not to hurt anyone...........

my only question is.......where is this ending?when? How painful it is to be keeping all these to myself, absorbing it all until i busrt, into tears i hope then just let it all pass me by. Like a story that ends the way i ever would want it to end, then start with a new one......aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg!

Past Three decades, a year and counting.....

Past three decades, a year and counting....

Where am I? Who am I? I finally found me! At last!
I sure do know what it was to cry endlessly, hope endlessly and give up.....
give up this marriage that has shown me all I have never realized I will see.

If it is a mistake to love and let go of love, then I want to make that big mistake.
I was dumb, deaf and blind of the truth I have been living with for the past years in my life.

Sure all these crap hurts, and makes me numb, callous, forget who I am for a moment then fight with myself. Explain to myself what a mess I have made out of this marriage. And finally, grab the chance of building my own home alone and away with my kids, happy and hopeful that tomorrow will be brighter! :)

going going gone gone

it was just a few weeks ago that i was so happy having found a sweet friend on the net.

Today, i opened my eyes to the truth that we are just attracted to each other and i cannot keep up and cope up with his strange requests anymore.

So there, it was such a wonderful experience to have met him and then say bye bye.

Going, going, gone gone.......................

a new feeling

it has been quiet a long time since i've written here on my
journal.

met a guy so sweet and felt like w e have known each other for so long.
He knew all about me and so did i.Suddenly he has to say goodbye. Got back to me
and said he really cant get me out of his life.

What was that between us? Magic?

If it was then i have to keep it going .

where am i?

today is my third day at a new job. i can't say i'm enjoying it or not.
independence,i'm beginning to live up to this word.

where in the world am i? must be dreaming? yes,day dreaming. scenes are
playing into my mind, memories from the past keep coming back. oh well,
i'm so overwhelmed, i can't breathe.

i only want to do good in my new post, be happy and forget my worries.
that is a big challenge to me now, i'll be moving on, to where? I'll
find out.

alienated

Today, I had a difficult time in my work.

I thank God for making me experience how it was to be humiliated
and scolded by someone who is of a different species. (whew!)

There is something in me that tells me how I should
adjust to things and situations and most specially to my
co-workers.

I’m so blessed to have my friends around me, and also to have some
people treat me irrationally.

I was born a fighter, I may lose with every step I take. But surely I
will not let anyone bring me down. (nah!)

I hope I could just not pay attention at times, even if I am
being attacked, I’ll learn the job, will start now.

I’m not perfect, I’m just me.

sound of silence

Geez! Never thought how loud the sound of silence is until today that I have been struggling to get out of the situation.

Got back from a long weekend, and as usual, never had a chance to take some rest and relax (poor me).
My mind is in limbo, my heart is in the lost and found (still lost and haven't been found yet), my life is under construction, oh well whatelse can I say?

Last night I went out alone to the video shop and rented some video cds. I watch movies as a therapy.I would always love to be in someonelse's shoes at least for a time.I have always wished that happiness is just within my reach. I wonder where my friends are at this time? I hope I would be with them when I close my eyes. "Comfort
Zone"

I feel so deeply hurt but I can't express myself well. A cup of coffee, a candy or even a lollipop to help me get up and change things. Freedom!!!!!!!

cold and blue, what do I do?

I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't describe what's happening to me now.
Whatever it is, i don't like it.

I wonder how it feels to be sharing laughter with someone? Where have all the happy memories gone by?
It is so not me, I feel like my face is so stiff, my heart stopped beating,I stopped breathing, am I dead?
Alive but dead, what is that thing called?

Maybe I'm mad, sad and broken. I can't even shed a tear. To be dead is even better than this stage where I am in
now. How could I get myself out of this situation. I need to pour out everything within me, the soonest possible time.I would not want to puff like a balloon.

I have to be with an angel though it doesn't have wings, gotta be with someone. I will be deteriorating soon
and I would not want that to happen to me.

Cold and blue, what do I do?

a journey away from home

Last May 25-28, had a journey away from home, for the very first time in my life.
I know that everything would turn out right though I will be at the province for a special project.

What was it like to be living alone for a few days?

Work and hotel, just that it was okay for me. I realized that somehow I could adjust to that kind if life. It was a practice, and I can't say I enjoyed it but It helped me a lot.(independence)

I was just right, things happen the way I hoped them to be. I was a total stranger when I get back from the special project. It's seems like I have been away for years.
If I would be given a chance to re-do my life, I would prefer being alone-independent and happy ,but of course my kids are blessings to me. I would still want them to be my kids.

There is a certain emptiness within me, I just cannot describe it.

Blog?blog! blog! blog!

I called my eldest sis and found
out from her that my youngest sis
fell from the stairs (never got a
chance to hold onto railing)

That I declare is the real BLOG!
blog! blog! blog! (ouch!)

:(

lost

I guess I left my shell some place
I feel like I'm walkin' naked.

It's cold and I've nowhere to hide.
It's dark and I can't see a light.
I'm at a loss for words.....
I'm helping myself not to cry
But something is just pushing me to the limits

I don't know when I could go back to my shell
I hope soon, or else........
I'll be lost,
forever..............

MEN

I got a chance to have lunch with
my two male officemates. Picked some
ideas of how they think and act on
diferent situations.

Well, they make sense, maybe I just
found the one in a million. Good thing
about it, they listened to some
of my stories.

Sometimes, all we need is someone to listen.

I thought I'm already being different,
I'm not, I'm just being me.

random thoughts

random thoughts

Happy Thoughts

Today, I chose to think of some happy thoughts :)

1. sea, sand and sun (the beach)
2. chocolate flavored ice cream
3. walk in the park
4. caramel flavored pop corn
5. view from Mt. Makulot
6. some big, sweet and sincere hugs
7. "if the shoe fits"
8. escapades......

Happy, happy, happy me :)

lucky bridget

Last week I watched "Bridget Jones2."

It never fails to brighten my day, I will be watching that movie
over and over again.

Good for her she's got a man who is always there for her
no matter what.

Lucky Bridget :)

information overload

Waaah!

Information overload!!!!!!!

I'm now working on training materials, newsletter, and other stuff on employee relations.
Things change just when you don't expect it.

I hope to be able to deliver something by friday.

I miss chatting with friends.........tired, I'm dead tired.

:(